When you want to be ‘There’ and your ‘Here’.
For so long, I wanted to be ‘There’ not ‘Here’. I spent many nights and days watching the pennies, saving the pennies to get ‘There’ rather than stay ‘Here’.
My smile grew wide and bright always when I was ‘There’ not ‘Here’.
The sun shone on my face, My heart was warm and full…my light shone so bright I hoozed with beauty blessed with love and happiness.
The more I smiled, the more I laughed the more I glowed, it seemed you worked harder to turn that smile upside down into a frown.
When I was ‘There’ happy and free, you were ‘Here’ cussing me. Did you not want happy for me? What exactly did you want for me? Want from me? I really owe you nothing to be ‘Here, not ‘There’. Nothing at all to stay ‘Here’, rather than be gone to ‘There’.
I look back now pictures of me, my eyes sparkled like stars in the sky my smile was so bright my heart so strong filled with love of being ‘There’ not ‘Here’.
The laugh the sparkle the smile so bright is never ‘Here’, because it was only ever ‘There’ not ‘Here’ I shine so bright.
The days ‘Here’ are grey and dark, ‘Here’ gives me no sparkle, no glow, no laughter, no warmth in my heart.
I lay in misery, live in misery dark and gloom. I do not laugh, I do not glow.
So tell me something finally I am ‘Here’ and not ‘There’…What is it? What is it, you wanted so best for me? That you so many, many times told me you should be ‘Here’ not ‘There’.
You wished me nothing but heartache, grief, sadness and even death, never ever the best.
One day I woke up and I never went back ‘There’…
Now I walk with my head sunk low, no more smiles no more glow. I am never ‘There’ I am just always ‘Here’. Is Your heart full? Whilst my heart is empty.
Do you enjoy my sorrow? My dark days and nights? Or do you even see them because am ‘Here’ not ‘There’.
I am not bitter and twisted, just empty and tired.
All the times you spent wishing me death, what did you want? What happy in my nest, did you see in my frown and worries being ‘Here’ not ‘There’.
So again I ask am ‘Here’ now, not ‘There’ what was your best you wanted for me?
We shout we scream, I cry, you cuss, I leave.
I am ‘Here’ not ‘There’. Is this really your happy in your nest, you seeing me, being ‘Here’ not ‘There?